I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY (THE TALE OF LESLIE AND EDEN)

Larissa Guerrini-Maraldi

Setting is outside a gift shop, filled with various sparkling tree ornaments, a few stuffed polar bears and fake snow cascading in the windows. It is located right next to the clearly labelled Apartment Block 59.  Leslie Lewis, a young woman wearing a sky blue turtle neck and a pair of jeans, is trying to slowly carry a large pile of Christmas gifts out into the street. Her friend Florence, wearing rose coloured leggings, a snowy white coat and pink patterned earmuffs which stick out of her curls, is trying to help her.

FLORENCE
You know if you’d just let me help... 

LESLIE
No, no. I’ve got this. (The envelopes at the top start to wobble, making her unsteady) Uhhhh, actually maybe a little help might be necessary (Florence takes a little weight off the pile and they begin to walk back to the apartment) 

FLORENCE
Is half this stuff just to give to one person? 

LESLIE
Don’t be silly, Flo. That’s what the other fourteen are for. And I went through the checklist, and I got everything I needed for Ava, Sparkle and – 

FLORENCE Eden? 

LESLIE (slightly groans)
I really don’t feel like talking about her right now. 

FLORENCE
Come on, she’s not as bad as she was last year. 

LESLIE Last year? 

FLORENCE
She swapped the stuffed turkey for a live quail. 

LESLIE
How did she do that? 

FLORENCE (familiar phrase)
It’s Eden Clarke, don’t question it. 

LESLIE
Well, hopefully I can avoid her for the rest of the week. 

FLORENCE
You live in the same room. 

LESLIE
Then I’ll avoid eye contact. 

FLORENCE
I thought you said you were going to try to enjoy this Christmas time together. 

LESLIE
That’s before I learned what I was really getting into. I mean, I know she’s not a fan about celebrating or anything, but she really hates this holiday! She’s a complete psychopath! 

FLORENCE
Woah that’ a bit extreme – but isn’t that the reason you live with each other? 

LESLIE
Dammmmmmm – nuggets, I hate when you’re right. 

FLORENCE
Nice work, you kept yourself from swearing this time. And just try to be patient with her. (Sincerely) And please, let me know how she’s doing. 

LESLIE 

Only 72 more hours to go. Wish me luck! (Goes into the apartment) 

FLORENCE
With Eden or the swearing? 

LESLIE Both. 

Setting is 24th December at 8:34 pm, inside Apartment 59, the home of LESLIE LEWIS and EDEN CLARKE. In the living room, in front of a large roaring fire in the fireplace, EDEN is sitting in her blue armchair, sipping a mug of Earl Grey tea, and reading a yellow novel titled ‘The Consistencies of Human Error: How to not give a F*ck  Volume 3 by U.B Reud’. She is also wearing a woollen red Christmas sweater, with an image of Santa Clause beheading a reindeer and the caption ‘Fa la la la la la la la la la’ beneath it. The door swings open as LESLIE enters, returning from her Christmas shopping, and heaves a heavy load of cardboard boxes, wrapping paper and consistently shifting Christmas cards and envelopes, onto the kitchen counter. She wipes away a few beads of sweat, and smiles at her achievement of being able to carry the giant pile of supplies for two blocks and up three flights of stairs, but her smile quickly fades when she notices something is different, and turns to face EDEN.

LESLIE
Eden, where’s the Christmas tree? 

EDEN (looks up from her book, smiling)
Do you like what I’ve done with the fireplace? 

LESLIE
I don’t see what the fireplace has to do with (She freezes, her eyes widening as he notices the burning wood is a similar colour to that of a fir tree, and spots three metal ornaments rapidly melting in the flames) Well fu- 

EDEN (cutting in, slyly) 

Don’t I recall you making a solemn vow this Christmas to not utter a single swear, until the end of New Years Eve, thus proving to your mother you are indeed a mature, capable adult? 

LESLIE
Fffffff- udge melons. How could you do this? 

EDEN (smiling)
I don’t know, I guess my dark twisted mind was just too tempted. 

LESLIE
Oh your ‘dark, twisted mind’ has sure been tempted a lot lately. 

EDEN (innocently) Whatever do you mean? 

LESLIE
Don’t even think about being naïve around me. You know you’ve already caused enough problems. 

EDEN
Not true. I distinctly remember a young boy from two days ago, who owes me his praise and thanks from saving him from a deceitful childhood. 

LESLIE
You told him straight to his face that his childhood icon, Santa Clause, wasn’t real! 

EDEN
He was crying tears of joy. 

LESLIE
You crushed his hopes and dreams! 

EDEN
And now his parents no longer have to wrap gifts in the broom-closet and stuff grandpa into a soggy, flea infested jumpsuit. 

LESLIE
Did you even think of how Santa Clause has inspired kids for generations? 

EDEN
Let’s see. The overweight Burger King regular, who runs a mass producing company, in which he organizes underage workers to manufacture gifts for people, all year round in sweat shops, with no pay check or yearly wages, and has the kindness to park his vehicle on the roof, probably cutting off the electricity for a few precious days, and then has the courtesy to squeeze his fleshy, fat ass down your chimney, breaking and entering to leave his sooty footprints all over the carpet and glug down your milk and home-cooked pastries. The ideal role model for children across the world, everyone! 

LESLIE takes five seconds to respond, constantly blinking.

LESLIE
OK when you put it that way it sounds bad – 

EDEN
So you see! (Goes and retrieves a bottle of lemonade from the fridge) Christmas basically represents the large capitalist figures of the world banding together to form this one giant commercialized event to make people believe whatever they’re buying is for their loved ones, or something they’ve wanted for the entire year, but in reality, all it’s doing is fuelling the financial success of every marketing industry. 

LESLIE (mutters to herself) 

I am completely sane, I am completely sane...  (A very deep breath)
OK, I am going to just ignore, all that has happened, and finish baking the gingerbread cookies. (Ding!) Oh good! They’re ready! 

She takes a tray of freshly baked gingerbread cookies out of the oven. She takes a bite out of one of them, and immediately spits it out, choking, and holds a tooth in her hand 

EDEN
Would you like to know the super secret special ingredient I added? 

LESLIE (still choking, but furious) I don’t want to know. 

EDEN
It was charcoal. (Leslie swigs a cup of water before speaking) 

LESLIE
You’re a psychopath. 

EDEN (jokingly, hiding any semblance of hurt)
No, I’m a sociopath, do your research. 

LESLIE
Kids were going to eat these! 

EDEN
And learn how tons of people through the winter period will suffer from stomach pains and diabetes due to the massive consumption of sugar and salt each dessert and pudding contains. I’m saving them the trouble. Oh, and speaking of kids, check out the new megaphone I installed! 

LESLIE
Megaphone? For what? 

As if on cue, a couple of carollers arrive at the steps of the apartment. The sound of the singing of ‘Tis the season to be jolly’ can be heard from the window. EDEN then flips a switch and turns on the megaphone 

EDEN (shouts)
You guys better clear off my lawn or I’m gonna be PISSED! (Carollers quickly scatter, screaming, Eden looks up and smiles) 

LESLIE
Eden, I don’t know what sick game you’re trying to play here, but this has to stop. 

EDEN
That reminds me! I made this just for you! 

EDEN holds up a blue Christmas sweater, this time with an image of Santa Clause with an orange, puffy face, standing on a soap box and wearing a toupee, and the slogan ‘Ho-ho-hope you’re happy!’ 

LESLIE (disgusted) Oh, god... 

EDEN
My response exactly. 

LESLIE
Why did you even make – holy shiiiiiingles and arthritis! Where are the oranges? 

EDEN
On our neighbour’s balcony. Oh, missed one. 

She tosses the remaining orange out of the window and a loud squelch is heard, followed by a ‘What the butternut squash is going on?’. EDEN suddenly whips out a menorah 

EDEN
And now may we celebrate Hannukah! Society is doomed! Viva la Resistance! 

LESLIE
OK, I’ve had it! You’ve done nothing to make me feel as if I could have an enjoyable time this holiday. For once, I thought ‘You know, maybe this year will be different’, and decided to stay here instead of spending time with my family, who you know I’ve missed, because I thought you had learnt from previous years how your attitude affects others. And I don’t know why you have this personal vendetta against this godforsaken holiday, but just please let me enjoy this one time of the year that is special to me! 

EDEN
Special? No one holiday is ‘special’. You place this quiet, simple event at such a high pedestal that you don’t even realize it’s just your birthday 2.0 with a tree. 

LESLIE
Which you burned! 

EDEN 

Just shut up! Do you want to know why I hate everything about this time of the year! 

LESLIE
You know what, I don’t! Whatever it is, it doesn’t excuse anything you’ve done! So congratulations Eden the Grinch, you’ve ruined Christmas for me and countless of others! I sure hope you’re happy! Now if you wouldn’t mind, I need to go see my parents. 

Leslie grabs her coat and bag and exits at an evidently furious pace, leaving Eden alone. 

(Potential stage edit: Florence and Eden run into one another) 

Time skips to 9:52. Leslie enters the room quietly, closing the door 

LESLIE
OK, I know I was mad before but... the 9 o’clock train was cancelled, and it wasn’t any better just leaving you here. I’m sorry, but it means so much to me an- 

She notices a letter on the counter, addressed to ‘My Roommate AKA The only sane person I can trust’. She opens the card to find a message, written in scrawling handwriting. When she starts reading, EDEN appears sitting in the armchair while telling this story, clearly in LESLIE’s head while doing this 

LESLIE Dear Leslie, 

EDEN (change in tone, calmed down)
Fine, you really want to know. It was morning, 7 am sharp, because my family always had this tradition that apparently if we peeped through the door really early before the sunrise, we could see Santa’s boot as he climbed the chimney. I knew already by that time, but I still acted like I could see it, so my little brother and sister would get excited. Mum and Dad had placed presents all over the room so it looked like this enormous waterfall of white and blue wrapping pouring onto the floor. There was a baby snowman in a red beanie and a green scarf lying on the couch, golden sticker stars were glowing across the walls and two wooden carved reindeer were sitting beside the fireplace. Simon grabbed the biggest box in sight, a rectangular shaped log that turned out to be a pogo stick. Hailey just dived into the pile and pulled out the purple headphones and Ipod she had been begging to get for three months. I don’t remember what I got, but I do remember what happened next. I had been preparing for this moment for a year now, and I almost chickened out, but I knew I was finally ready to surprise them. I told my mum and dad to sit on the sofa, because I was ready to show them my present. So I stood, gave them a smile and told them what I had been waiting to say for three years. ‘I love Florence’. I didn’t know how they were going to react, but I at least expected them to say something. Then again what do you say when someone pops the big ‘I got this thing for a person’ statement. But they just kept staring. I think my dad mumbled something under his breath, and my mum just kept tightly squeezing his hand. I kept waiting for a response, for any sign that they had acknowledged what I’d said. Then my dad got up, he walked slowly toward the door, and my mum now began to grip Simon’s hand and lead Hailey out of the room. They had almost left the room when I saw Hailey gaze up at Mum and ask ‘Mummy, what does gay mean?’. I didn’t move for another five minutes, all I could hear from outside was my Mum murmuring something before someone slammed something with a crash to the floor. Then the door opened, and they came back in. This time, my mum was holding something brown and small in her hand. They said it would be best if I maybe took a break from spending time at the house this Christmas and went to celebrate with Aunt Nora, so they could get used to everything that had happened. Mum then handed me the wallet, filled with 5,000 dollars, saying it was my ‘Christmas gift’ this year. I shoved all that I could into a grey duffel bag and stepped into the taxi that had been waiting for ten minutes at the edge of the street. They didn’t say goodbye. Soon it was New Year Eve, and I had already picked up that Aunt Nora hadn’t been told why I had been sent here, so she just baked me cookies to eat in her yellow stained kitchen and asked for help in the garden. I finally found a chance to dial home using her mobile, so I called my parents and when they answered, I said ‘Hey! Do you know when I’m coming home?’. There was a muffled response at the end of the line before someone replied ‘Soon’... ‘I miss you’. Then the line broke off. I never heard from them again. They kicked me out on Christmas day. I thought if I told them at that specific point in time, if I simply said the truth they wouldn’t react horrified. I thought since it’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, I would be appreciated no matter what. And then Florence and I were going to meet up and go ice-skating on the park’s frozen lake, and ask our parents if at some time in the future we could move in together. Flo and I barely talked either after that. She apparently thought since we weren’t in the same neighbourhood anymore, we should just try to be friends. And how did your parents react when they heard you were bi? They gave you a warm embrace and took you to see Swan Lake at the Herrington theatre. What did I do differently? How come I did exactly what you did and I was dismissed as if I didn’t matter, as if I was some sick, freak psychopath. As if there was something wrong with me, which there must be because then I wouldn’t still be here with hardly any other friends, trying to get through each day feeling that I can’t be – loved. So, that’s what I wanted you to know. Why I hate this holiday so much. (Small beat) I made things go a bit off the rails didn’t I? That really didn’t need to happen. Don’t worry, I’m only going to be gone for a while. I just need to find some space. I’ll be back soon. One more thing, Merry Christmas. 

LESLIE Love Eden. 

LESLIE looks up, quickly wiping the tears remaining on her face, and takes a deep breath. She flips the other side of the card and replies: 

LESLIE
Merry Christmas. 

She then turns and suddenly lets out a small gasp. A little fir sits next to the fireplace. The tree-lights suddenly switch on to reveal a green box with a yellow ribbon under the tree. LESLIE opens it to find an object that causes her to give a small smile. On the back of the photograph, it reads: 

LESLIE/EDEN
I don’t tell you this often, and I never tell you enough but, you make me happy. (BLACKOUT)